Discovered a piece of heaven last night (and going into depressive ranty mode, yay)

It's called Nutella, and I love it. And it's mine.

I had a weird dream this morning...it was about me being in an ACAP show, but I quit/wanted to quit because I was sick and tired of the stress and felt like nobody really cared or appreciated me anyways. I was basically walking around the theater, 'cause I think I quit right before a show. I just think the sad thing is that the dream pretty much reflects how I feel about a lot of things right now.

Like, I guess I find an irony in Mom telling Sarah yesterday how she needs to try to balance correcting Ethan's bad behavior and praising good behavior, 'cause apparently otherwise he'll act out for attention...since he wouldn't be getting it otherwise. I just kind of find that ironic because I feel completely ignored all the time right now. And when I'm not performing well at school, it's not because I'm acting out for attention, it's because I feel so depressed and worthless and hate how all Mom seems to care about is my education and that she seems to be under the impression that seeing Dale is some sort of magical cure where, unless I come out of those sessions fucking happy, it's a waste of money. And I hate how Mom's version of "relaxation" is going to see a movie or a play...that's not relaxing! That's enjoyment! You know what's relaxing and therapeutic? Talking to friends who tell me that they think I'm worth something, that they enjoy talking to me, and will understand if I just need to crouch down and bawl my heart out.

She just...never has time for me. She only does if it's school related, the only necessity that exists. Well that and my health. But my emotional health? She'll never understand it. She thinks I freak out too much, she never lets me rant about something that's bothering me, she never has time for intellectual discussions, only superficial shit like, "Oh, did you know [some dumbass actor] in this movie was on Charmed once? :D :D :D :D"

I'm tired of her always coming to me and saying, "I found this class," or "Here's a play that's showing this weekend," or "You need to do this." I'm nothing more than a fucking academic mind to her! I have no feelings, no creativity, she doesn't care! Or maybe she does, and that's the problem. She sees ground she needs to help cultivate. She doesn't see a girl who's sick of being brilliant or talented or whatever because she's sick of dancing for everybody else. I don't get how Mom can't see that all this fucking training that's supposed to help me in the future will never help me if I think I'm worthless and incapable of doing anything right, 'cause the only time she ever seems to notice me is if I'm doing poorly at school...if I'm not doing school...or if I'm doing good at school. Or if she wants to tell me about something that will help me at school. It's all school, school, school, school, education, education, education, education to her. Or my future career. It's just all work.

And she wonders why I'm under the impression that her love for me is based on my performance???

just. whatever. I'm going to go eat my pizza now.