List of roles I want to perform one day

Belle from Beauty and the Beast
The Narrator from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Viola from Twelfth Night
Christine Daae from the Phantom of the Opera

Oh.

And I want to meet Dan Green, but that's mostly unrelated.

God, I'm a TV Trope

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBGrade

HI ME AND MY C+/B- ON MY ENGLISH COMP PAPER.

Continuation

My situation hasn't changed. I'm still tired, still depressed, and still frustrated.

Dale's analysis today? I'm severely depressed. Apparently even Sheryl thought that. I didn't even know that, clinically, I qualify as being depressed. From Mom, I was under the impression that I'm just having biochemistry issues and that I'm an ungrateful bitch.

Also from Dale: I have no control over my life. I really don't need to be controlled to the extent that my mom tries to control me because I am not a bad kid. I've never gone out drinking, I'm still a virgin. I go over on texting charges and I plan to pay them off. Last I checked, the kids who need to be controlled are the kids who will go online and buy things with their parents credit cards without asking and go partying in college instead of studying.

Me? I'm killing myself trying to do school work and I haven't just hung out for fun, for the hell of it, in person, with people, no strings attached in over a month. I don't think that's an unreasonable guess, either. I know that for the past three weeks I have been either sick, busy, or working on school far too much to hang out with anybody, and that when I was sick three weeks ago, when Sarah had Joe, I hadn't seen or hung out with her for a couple of weeks. So I don't think this month is an over exaggeration. I'm not seeing people and I'm dying from loneliness. I love my e-friends, but it's not the same as physical, eye-to-eye contact.

sorry for the emo posts

I'm feeling better. I'm still frustrated, though.

Those emo posts basically describe what I'm feeling a lot of the time--except taken to the highest extreme.

bah.

Dear Mom

"What are you doing?" =/= "Why are you under your blankets?" or "what's wrong?"

God, so this is why everyone thinks you're reasonable. You repeatedly bark at me "what are you doing?" and to everyone else, you tell them that I refused to tell you what was wrong. Nice.

EDIT'd to add:

Why I'm not accepting your apology? Because I see no hope or improvement in this relationship. It's never gotten any better. I'm the only one who's ever made any attempt to change behavior. As long as you keep thinking, "Well, I'm the Mom," and "I'm fifty-five years old, I think I know more than you," this will never, ever go anywhere.

And your apology was still an "I'm sorry but" apology. It was, "I'm sorry, but do you understand what I'm going through with two depressed people in my house?" Obviously, you must not be depressed. You're just an angry bitch. Obviously you don't know what it's like to wake up every morning feeling worthless and then getting bitched at how you shouldn't be venting because there's work to be done. Right, right, thanks for confirming that no one really cares what I have to say. Ever. And confirming that my emotions are meaningless and are just some biochemistry gone awry, there's nothing substantial to the way I feel or am acting, it's just because I need to take some pills to fix it.

I've given up. I want this relationship to end, whether that comes from me getting the hell out of this house by becoming an adult or by taking the easy way out. I just can't stand you anymore. As much as you like to claim the contrary, you don't give a shit about what I'm doing or what I like. You never ask me about it. And the times I've tried to share? You never get around to it. Or something *more important* is happening. It tells me where I really am at with you.

FUCK THIS.

YOU DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE.

I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TALK TO YOU. THANKS FOR NOT CARING AND SAYING, "OH, VENTING IS BAD. SHUT UP, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME." FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. YOU DON'T CARE, YOU NEVER HAVE CARED, YOU NEVER WILL CARE.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE A PRETTY HAPPY FUCKING PRINCESS. I'LL NEVER BE THAT. GET FUCKING USED TO IT, BITCH! THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF WHEN YOU ACTUALLY ASK, "WHAT'S WRONG" YOU FOLLOWED IT WITH SYMPATHY INSTEAD OF A LECTURE. NOW YOU WON'T EVEN BE ASKING "WHAT'S WRONG" ANYMORE. OR MAYBE YOU WILL, BUT I WON'T TELL YOU, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYWAYS. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SHOW FRUSTRATION. ONLY "RANT TO THE AIR" IN THE ISOLATION THAT'S BECOME MY LOATHSOME SOULMATE FOR THIS FUCKING YEAR.

AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M LYING TO YOU AND WON'T SHARE THINGS WITH YOU? IT'S BECAUSE OF BULLSHIT LIKE THIS WHERE YOU SHOW SO PLAINLY THAT YOU'LL NEVER TREAT ME AS A HUMAN BEING OR BE CIVIL WITH ME UNLESS IT'S ON YOUR TERMS.

i wish i didn't cry over this anymore. i'm sick of crying over how much you suck as a parent, mom.

rawgr.

so. a week behind in human geography. depressed. hate myself. want to die. purposefully ignored a phone call from hamza yesterday. was imagining writing a suicide note. basically feel like if I can't manage school, then I can't manage life. everyone would be better off without me anyways. just am a waste of time, money, and energy for everybody else. everyone has other, better people in their lives, so they'd be fine without me.

mom's disappointed in me yay.

the only non-depressing thing: had an idea for a male visok. but I guess even that could be considered depressing 'cause I'm still incapable of working undistracted.

edit: p.s. please don't make any, "omg amanda's gonna hurt herself" phone calls. I'm not going to be doing anything, couldn't if I really wanted to. I don't want mom getting more pissed off than she already is.

Discovered a piece of heaven last night (and going into depressive ranty mode, yay)

It's called Nutella, and I love it. And it's mine.

I had a weird dream this morning...it was about me being in an ACAP show, but I quit/wanted to quit because I was sick and tired of the stress and felt like nobody really cared or appreciated me anyways. I was basically walking around the theater, 'cause I think I quit right before a show. I just think the sad thing is that the dream pretty much reflects how I feel about a lot of things right now.

Like, I guess I find an irony in Mom telling Sarah yesterday how she needs to try to balance correcting Ethan's bad behavior and praising good behavior, 'cause apparently otherwise he'll act out for attention...since he wouldn't be getting it otherwise. I just kind of find that ironic because I feel completely ignored all the time right now. And when I'm not performing well at school, it's not because I'm acting out for attention, it's because I feel so depressed and worthless and hate how all Mom seems to care about is my education and that she seems to be under the impression that seeing Dale is some sort of magical cure where, unless I come out of those sessions fucking happy, it's a waste of money. And I hate how Mom's version of "relaxation" is going to see a movie or a play...that's not relaxing! That's enjoyment! You know what's relaxing and therapeutic? Talking to friends who tell me that they think I'm worth something, that they enjoy talking to me, and will understand if I just need to crouch down and bawl my heart out.

She just...never has time for me. She only does if it's school related, the only necessity that exists. Well that and my health. But my emotional health? She'll never understand it. She thinks I freak out too much, she never lets me rant about something that's bothering me, she never has time for intellectual discussions, only superficial shit like, "Oh, did you know [some dumbass actor] in this movie was on Charmed once? :D :D :D :D"

I'm tired of her always coming to me and saying, "I found this class," or "Here's a play that's showing this weekend," or "You need to do this." I'm nothing more than a fucking academic mind to her! I have no feelings, no creativity, she doesn't care! Or maybe she does, and that's the problem. She sees ground she needs to help cultivate. She doesn't see a girl who's sick of being brilliant or talented or whatever because she's sick of dancing for everybody else. I don't get how Mom can't see that all this fucking training that's supposed to help me in the future will never help me if I think I'm worthless and incapable of doing anything right, 'cause the only time she ever seems to notice me is if I'm doing poorly at school...if I'm not doing school...or if I'm doing good at school. Or if she wants to tell me about something that will help me at school. It's all school, school, school, school, education, education, education, education to her. Or my future career. It's just all work.

And she wonders why I'm under the impression that her love for me is based on my performance???

just. whatever. I'm going to go eat my pizza now.

SKJDFASGJGFVKJUUUGFIK

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

I CANNOT AFFORD TO BE PAYING $140 IN TEXTING CHARGES.

OOPS THERE GOES EVERYBODY'S CHRISTMAS!

God damnit!

'cause we have to get the bill from late September to early October NOW. Before I stopped texting.

20 cents to receive, 20 cents to send. God damnit.

EDIT: Mom's discussed with me to work out a payment plan to pay back the $140, so that I can still afford Christmas presents for people this year. It'll probably work out to be around $6 a month.

Christmas is saved.

So I guess I'll just end this on a note to Tim: If you text me, we're fucked over twice. You have to pay 20 cents because you sent me something, and I have to pay 20 cents because I received it. If you want to tell me something, please call me, since that's free.

...And down

Can't stay happy for too long, can I?

Don't really want to talk about it. It wouldn't really matter if I did, anyways. Nothing would change and I don't feel better by venting. I actually feel worse.

Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

Something pleasant, for ONCE!

{Current music: Jack's Lament by Danny Elfman}
{Current mood: Ecstatic}

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

That profile on Marina that I had been bitching about? I just got it back from my professor.

I got an 'A'.

My midterm grade is also an 'A'.

BITCHIN'!

Also, I'm recovering. Tomorrow is my last day on my drugz and I'm already feeling better. I can breaaaaathe.

Blah

Illness, I hate you. Because of you I didn't sleep last night. And I couldn't retain heat, the only way I could get warmer was when I started fantasizing romances*, which made my body flush, practically to the point of sweating. But that was better than freezing, at least I was somewhat cozier.

And guess what? I still can't retain heat. I feel so cold and I'm wearing a sweatshirt. My throat feels like a chasm of hurt, my head aches and I feel so totally out of it.

So, bye. I'm going to go make myself chicken noodle soup and cry while I'm eating it 'cause I feel so awful.

*No, not that kind, wyfe. Pervert (I know you were thinking it). >/

posted edited

i don't want to be depressing people. but i just can't handle mom treating like my problems are insignificant. i know she hates me, i've heard her say it. but i can't just go on living where i'm trying to please everybody else.

i wish that people would realize this is hard for me and say, "i'm here for you, let me help you" instead of, "do this, this, this, this--OH MY GOD, HOW CAN YOU NOT BE DOING THIS, YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH?" i can't handle this verbal and emotional disregard anymore. i've already heard today how mom's more concerned about losing money than she is for losing me. she really doesn't care at all or ever.

Fuck you.

Just fuck you, God. Fuck you for having me wake up this morning. I just want to fall asleep and stay like that.

I'm just an endless disappointment to everyone. They'd get over it if I was gone. Just watch. Eventually it'd be, "Amanda who? Oh, yeah. That was too bad. Oh, well, life goes on."

I just shouldn't be here anymore. I'm a waste, a waste of everyone's time and investment. I can't make them happy, I can't make me happy, I can't do anything, especially anything remotely right or good.

But I'm a fucking coward. If I know that everything would be better without me gone, then why am I so scared? ...it'll pass, I suppose. The last minute thoughts will go. I don't know when I'll act, but it'll happen. eventually.

i'm a fucking horrible person anyways.

Last night was a 4-H meeting

And it actually flowed very well. For once, none of the other Moms were correcting me at the end of the meeting for my behavior.

But, bah. DX I wore a hairband last night so I could show off the Kirby earrings I was wearing. I felt like wearing them so I could show them to Bryen and anybody else who'd recognize it, but then I realized that my hair would most likely hide my earrings, hence the hairband. BUT! My mom thought I was dolling myself up for Bryen. q.q

Anyway, I showed Bryen Pedar last night, 'cause I wanted to. His most helpful comment was for during the fight scene between Isaak and Rhett, that I should've managed to squeeze something in about how Kaia and Acacia would've felt "something leaving them."

AND AND AND ROFL HIS FACE! When I asked him, "Did you figure out who the woman was? :D :D" He was all like, "Uhh, I dunno...Rhett's mom, the...evil guy whose name starts with an 'A's wife?" (Lmao at Akakios having a wife)

So, I was like, "But wouldn't Rhett recognize her then?" So he was stumped. When I pointed out the hint to him, HIS FACE WAS PRICELESS. It was all like, "O.O" plus ":O" and "XD;" Or in words not involving emocons, his eyes were wide, his mouth agape, and his laugh was a mix of amusement and awkwardness. BEST. REACTION. EVUR.

The other cool thing about last night is that it was "show off your 4-H projects night," so of course I showed off my pillow! At the end of the meeting, everyone was coming up to me and looking at my pillow. "What is that cartoon? What's with the years? (it says 2001-2002 on it) What's it about?" It was funny. Nobody but Bryen really knew what it was, but everyone seemed in awe of the detail. Heehee!

Current statuses:

Overwhelmed with work.

Feeling more secure in a certain relationship.

Om nom nom noming a nummy peanut butter cookie.

Desperately in need of finding a new happy place.

Almost done with a stupid dkjfhakdjfhahsdk paper which is dearly loathed (y hallo thar, Melki. i be steelin' ur terms of "endearment").

Hoping that there will be no shameful dreams tonight.

Wondering why Maxwell Atoms ignored my question on his blog (cry moar I know).

Going to bed.

emo post beware.

Some days I feel like there's no way anybody will love me the way I do for them. I worry about and agonize and cry over so many of my friends, but...I don't feel like they do the same for me.

I dunno, maybe they do. Just, like me, they generally don't say anything. Perhaps it's my fault because I'm afraid of appearing to be too emotionally involved. Maybe I'm alienating people because of this, even though I've been doing this for a while as an attempt to not alienate people.

Or maybe I'm just looking into things.

To Timmeh:

Frankly, it's not that I've gotten weird in the month after you've left; I've actually been like this longer than you know. The thing that changed within the last month was my workload, so I don't have the energy to actually put up a front, where I, you know, pretend that I'm sweet and innocent.

What gives you idea that they're Japanese? Anyways, you are wrong, sir. Those two are characters of mine who are villains in separate stories. The reason I say weird crap like I'm "channeling" them is that, for some freaking reason, whenever I'm in certain moods all of a sudden I start thinking about those characters.

This woman is going to bring out the worst of me

Well, girl, really. From my Econ class. Evil is named Lisa in my book.

It's crazy; I didn't think it was possible for me to be channeling both Melki and Akakios simultaneously.

Here are some thoughts running through my sick little head: "Stupid fool. D< style="font-style: italic;">smart, I write fucking long essays on Adam Smith, founder of Economics! I r so original!'"

I had to restrain myself from writing a reply to her comment picking a part her reasons for disagreeing with some aspects of my essay (and lol, some of her comments made it look like she missed the fucking point!). Also had to resist the thought to read her essay for the sole purpose of picking it a part to find all that sucks about it like the conniving bitch I'm tempted to become.

Doesn't help when both Melki and Akakios are so amused by my RAAAGE over this. They're both basically saying, "Dooo it. >D"

I mean, this is them...back and forth:

Melki: "Good" is relative anyways, isn't it, my dear?
Akakios: In the end, you're finding that her reasons against your work are ill-founded. She owes it to you to correct her, to put her in her place: lower than you are on the intellectual scale.
Melki: Right, right. Repay as she has done to you--
Akakios: Assert your superiorty.
Both: Do it! >3

I'ma...go read Economics nao. And try to cage those two into the deep corners of my mine where I can't hear them trying to persuade me.

Previous post baleeted.

I got self-conscious of my audience and decided to delete my post.

Oh, irony, don't you love me?

Oh my gosh, I love this

http://www.drunkduck.com/Whatever_I_Want_to_Do_Gosh/index.php?p=456985

I actually kind of know the guy who made that. I wrote an Invader Zim fanfic and he commented on it; through that we started chatting through AIM on occasion. So, he showed me his comics, and I lurk them.

If you like the comic, spam it to your friends like crazy.

Dreaming Within my Dream: Not a Rip-off of a Poem by Poe

I had the most bizzare dream last night.

I was lying on my bed, trying to go to sleep. I was exhausted. But as I did this, I started to feel...things. Like there were darker presences around me, trying to perpetually pull me into this sleep. And when I slept, I was haunted by nightmares. The presences I felt were overcome with glee; they wanted to do everything they could to torment me.

I kept trying to wake myself up to escape the nightmares, but as soon as I did I would be pulled back into them. There was a point where I had a hard time knowing whether I was dreaming or awake.

I just know that throughout this dream I was tired and terrified, and I couldn't stop the nightmares myself.

...

So, I've kinda realized I'm pretty much a bitch, who can't cope with anything right now.

I'm semi-constantly in hysterics, and wavering continually in emotion.

I'm sorry if I've said something offensive to any of my friends; if I was in a better state of mind, I'd be more tactful to others' feelings. But right now I'm just one giant douchebag.

ATTN: Andrea

I am a sad panda. :(

'Cause. "The Rhett in that clip" was hotter than what should be considered logically possible and I worked real hard on that little 500 word piece of (fan)fiction!

How dare such an archaic concept such as characterization get in the way of my won twu wuv!

So, I have a message for you to pass on to Rhett himself:

"YOU'RE ONLY JEALOUS THAT I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF, HONEY!"

/end tongue-in-cheek blog entry

Voice 2008

It was amazing. I felt like I was on cloud nine half the time, and I can't believe some of the things that happened.

I met Richard Horvitz, Wally Wingert, and Melissa Disney!! They were all so amazing; Richard Horvitz and Wally Wingert said some things that I found totally inspirational...Melissa Disney is just pure awesomeness. She's so gorgeous, too.

So, I'm so glad I went. I did have it confirmed, however, that if I ever hope to do animation VO I have to live in L.A. Apparently, the casting directors won't look at me twice if I don't live there. Lol.

I should procrastinate less right now and work on my online Orientation class. Bye.

Bye! 4 realz!!1

I'm leaving soon. I'm freaking out.

Somebody kill me. D:

ILU all. I'll never forget any of you.

"And I'm on the plane that's bound for...Los Angeles!"

I've been packing for L.A. all day; I probably could've done it rather quickly, but I had to wait for certain things to dry or charge before I could pack them and I've been trying to take it easy anyways.

So...for the past couple of days, I've kinda been in disbelief. I'm going to L.A. I have a chance to meet Richard Horvitz AND Wally Wingert. It's just kinda hard for me to process that this is actually happening, and it's not just some bizarre dream of mine.

My mom finished the dress that I'll be wearing for the Celebrity Banquet because I can! I never get a real chance to dress pretty for the hell of it, so I want to take this opportunity.

I've also packed my Biology; I haven't told Mom that I'm bringing it, but I am. The amount of schoolwork I've accomplished since the fair has ended has been really piss-poor, and I only have three more tests to take anyways, so I want to see what I can get done on the plane.

I'm trying to figure out what DVDs I should bring, just in case I accomplish some Biology and want to take it easy for the rest of the flight...maybe I should post a list of the DVDs I own and Andrea or V can take a vote...?

Yeah, I think I'll do that.

EDIT: List made, is posted under this entry.

DVDs I Own (smallest font to conserve space):

Aladdin

Anastasia

Angelic Layer

As Told By Ginger – Far From Home

As Told By Ginger – The Wedding Frame

Azumanga Daioh

Billy and Mandy, the Grim Adventures of season 1

Billy and Mandy’s Big Boogey Adventure

Bug’s Life, a

Cars

Castle in the Sky

Cat Returns, the

Chicken Run

Chobits volume 1

Cinderella

Corpse Bride

Emperor’s New Groove, the

Finding Nemo

Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends season 1

Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends season 2

Fox and the Hound, the

Happy Feet

Hoodwinked

Howl’s Moving Castle

Ice Age

Ice Age: The Meltdown

The Incredibles

Invader Zim

Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius

Jonah: A Veggietales Movie

Kaleido Star

Kaleido Star – New Wings

Kiki’s Delivery Service

Lady and the Tramp

Lilo and Stitch

Lion King, the

Little Mermaid, the

Madagascar

Meet the Robinsons

Monsters, Inc.

Mulan

My Neighbor Totoro

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind

Oliver and Company

Over the Hedge

Peter Pan

Peter Pan: Return to Neverland

Petite Princess Yucie

Prétear

Prince of Egypt, the

Princess Mononoke

Princess Nine

Ratatouille

Robin Hood

Shrek

Shrek 2

Spirited Away

Toy Story

Toy Story 2

Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Whisper of the Heart

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Yu-Gi-Oh! Uncut

Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie

More than a month since I last posted

Been busy. My trip to D.C. went well, I met some cool people. The county fair went well, too, and the Invader Zim themed pillow case I made because I'm a NERD got an Award of Merit ribbon. So psyched that it didn't get State Fair for reasons that will be stated soon (in the next paragraph kind of soon).

Because, you see, I am going to L.A. next week. For a voiceacting conference. Where Richard freaking Horvitz, the voice of Invader Zim, will be a speaker!

So, the reason I'm glad that the pillow didn't get a State Fair ribbon is because State Fair overlaps this conference. Thus I wouldn't be able to take the pillow with me, and I would be saddened.

I'm still trying to figure out how one tactfully, in way that doesn't sound batshit crazy, asks someone to sign the back of one's pillow case.

So...let's see. Since the last blog post, I have finished Geometry, and have yet still to complete Biology. I did start some of my AP class reading, and finished the Scarlett Letter today. Its ending made me cry a little.

Oh! I've seen Wall-E twice now. The last time was with my friend Bryen, who seems to have a crush on me, and his grandma. I wasn't totally bothered by that, just...it sounds so funny and embarrassing at the same time, but I was okay with it. However, one thing I am regretting about that...I'm afraid I was letting Bryen on or something, and I don't want to give him that sort of an impression; I'm really not interested in any relationship right now at all...

Yeah. A lot on my mind, a lot to work on...a lot to pretend to work on (lawl my novel).

I'm sure all of these things will sort out; I generally try to plan everything I can as much as possible, so I've been learning to try and accept the fact that I can't plan for or anticipate everything I will experience.

Well, I should wrap this up...at this point I'd just ramble more in hope of finding a topic. Hopefully, the next time I write an entry will not be more than a month from now.

It's all been done, it's all been done, it's all been done before

Yes, I just rediscovered my brother's Barenaked Ladies CD. Listening to the same song on repeat FTW.

I just wanted to post my current status on my school work to make myself feel a little better.

Geometry: Two more lessons, one test, and one final exam.
Biology: Read four more chapters, study for and take five more tests.
World Views: Not touching that right now, too much.

So, at least I am this close to finishing Geometry and Biology...but then I have World Views and some prep work for my AP classes next year. And starting/finishing 4-H projects. And the small prep work for the Washington trip.

Other misc. things I want to do: Order earrings over the internet. Work on jean skirts with my mom. Ragefire Chasm (the World of Warcraft, it is addictive...).

Can I write a blog entry without whining? LET'S FIND OUT.

So, I haven't really been writing lately because I've been really busy. And, at the same time, everything I've been doing has been so constant and predictably boring that I haven't felt any particular drive to write anything about my life.

I guess lately I've been feeling fairly stressed out. I mean, it's like, OMG I NEED TO FINISH STUFF! For illustration purposes, I shall type out a loverly list.

Things teh Acey needs to do:
Finish Biology (four chapters to read, four tests to take, and two animals to dissect)
Finish Geometry (six lessons to complete, two tests to take, and one unit exam (or two? I dunno))
Finish World Views of the Western World lolololololololol (Finish the last few books of Plato's Republic, an in depth study of the first four books of the New Testament, and read the whole Aenid)
Read books for AP classes next year (self explanatory)
4-H PROJECTS WHOO! (Invader Zim pillow, baby blanket, drama scrapbook, photography, dehydrating bell peppers and mushrooms...)
Research for Washington D.C. trip (looking up information on WI senators so I can ask them some original, though possibly snarky questions)
COLLEGE APPLICATIONS OMGOMGOMG.
NOT DIE UNDER ALL THIS PRESSURE LAWL. (doing all of the above with zero percent fatality)

...okay. I'mma go do something else now. I hate reminding myself of my long to do list.

Yesterday was great, but...

I can't help but feel like I'm some disgusting prude.

It's like, everyone I know who is in a relationship is so in loooooove, and all over each other and just...I mean, great for them! But every time I see stuff like that I'm like, "I'm not one to judge, or to tell them that they're doing something wrong or anything, but I just would do things completely different."

And so, when they end up talking about that stuff, not only can I not relate, but I feel like even if I did have a significant other I still wouldn't relate. There would be no technical this and technical that. But...I know it's not because I'm a prude.

The reason I have this feelings is because I may a choice a while ago. I know myself better than anyone else, and I know that if you give me a little leeway, I can go batshit crazy with it.

I know people say that they can't imagine me getting pregnant or anything, but the fact is, I can. I know I seem all small and cute and innocent and oblivious, but the fact is, if I didn't have this determination, I would be the biggest fucking whore.

So, in a way, I guess I'm just sick of the looks. The, "you don't understand" statements I've gotten. No, I think I do understand. It's not that I don't understand the raging hormones, ahahahaha, like hell I don't understand those. What I guess I really don't understand is how some other people don't have the same determination that I do. Because I really, really don't want to fuck up my life, or someone else's.

I just feel like I'm fooling everybody. No, I'm not as cute and innocent as you think. Not at all.

A little embarrassing, but wow...

So, I've had a lot going on lately, but I've been much too lazy/busy to write any of it down.

But, related to my title? I had a dream last night. I was in the cast of the Phantom of the Opera, playing CHRISTINE DAE.

The set up of the play itself was...terrible. I mean, it really hardly resembled the play except for the characters of Christine, Raoul and the Phantom. But, the important part of my dream, the slightly embarrassing one?

I was having a backstage relationship with the actor playing the Phantom. So. F***ing. HOT!

The dream wasn't dirty, there was just a heckuva lot of backstage making out in costume.

The only other thing I really remember from the dream is one small conversation backstage where I told Phantom-actor that, if I were Christine, I'd have probably made the same decision she did, you know, choosing Raoul over the Phantom, pretty much only because MURDER IS BAD.

So, yeah. My dream from last night. I'm going to go hide now.

I got a new stuffed animal last night <3

I went to Fun World, and I got 400 tickets so I could get a cute stuffed dolphin. I've named him Igor the Malformed Dolphin, because he's a little...demented looking. He's tilted to one side, almost looks like he has a hump, BUT HE'S ADORABLE. You can't make me love my Igor any less.

So, lawl. I posted on Richard's forum last night and this morning I've remembered why I get nervous with message boards. Once I post something, and I see about 10, 20 views but no replies? I get all dngfasdkjhgadjafkjdgfuhawe OMGNOIDIDITWRONGANDANDANDPEOPLEARELAUGHINGATMEEEEE! (my condolences if you could read that).

I really should care less, but I don't. I just get really, really anxious/nervous. Maybe I should upload the segments from the songs so people think I'm less crazy? Or change the subject so it SUCKS LESS?

Heh, I have, uh, 10 minutes before school starts. I can't think of anything new with me...I just know that I should work on my 4-H project tonight, since I didn't yesterday or the night before...

Better go. I need five minutes to get dressed.

So, first impressions mean zilch

So, I believe in my last college related post, I said the standings, based solely on impressions, were Illinois Wesleyan in 1st, Valparaiso in 2nd, and Hope in 3rd?

HAHA! The actual visits turned these placings completely upside-down.

So, to start off, I went to Hope on Sunday. It was a fairly nice visit, my major problems with Hope being the freaky free-for-all cafeteria, the..."preppy" atmosphere, and the canned responses used in chapel (Teacher: "Peace be with you," everyone else: "and also with you.").* However, those aren't things that are impossible to get used to. In addition, their theater program looked very good. And since they offered everything I'm interested in majoring and minoring in...I'm pretty sure I wouldn't die if I went there.

We got to Valpo on Monday night and, wow, I was shocked. The people were friendly and inclusive. I didn't see that at Hope. Sure they were friendly there, but it never went beyond a "hello," or "where are you from?" At Valpo, they would ask me that, what I was interested in majoring in, and just, well, included me in conversation. Also my host, Ellen, took me to the Rack, a recreation room at Valpo, to play pool with her and three of her friends. God, I had so much fun! So many of the people there seemed extremely intelligent, but they were so relaxed, and knew how to have fun and kid around with each other.

In short, I just loved the Valpo visit, I definitely want to go there.

...I really don't want to get into Illinois Wesleyan. I guess you can say, it's a state school poorly disguised as a prestigious Lutheran college. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with state schools, but when I'm looking for a Christian school that's at least mostly conservative, you can see that what I'm interested in generally would not be overtly present at a state school.

On top of my moral and ethical issues with Wesleyan, they don't even offer a Creative Writing major. Why would I go to them, anyway, when they don't even offer what I'm looking for, and charge more than Valpo, who has exactly what I'm looking for?

On that note, Wesleyan has basically dropped off of my list all together.

With that in mind, here's where I mention that now I only have two colleges to apply to, since it appears it's really hard to find a Christian school that hasn't lost it's religious roots, which also offers Creative Writing and Theatre Majors, plus at least a minor in Japanese.

I think I'll be fine with applying to two schools. I just feel incredibly lucky that I've found a school that seems to match me so perfectly.

*I don't really like "canned responses" like that, or even congregational readings. Why? It creeps me out. To hear hundreds--or thousands--of voices, in unison, in monotone is friggin' eerie. I mean, it's so...zombie-like. And I hate to think of my beliefs as just being a mindless drone, drooling, "Jeeeeesus! Jeeeeesus!" (think, "Braaaains! Braaaaains!")

Jean skirt pattern + me = insanity!

So, my mom found this episode of Sewing with Nancy where it was all about re-purposing jeans and stuff, and what caught my eye was this pattern for turning them into a skirt. I liked the idea, because I love wearing jeans because they are comfy, so I jumped at it. I also enlisted my friend into the craze and I will be making her a skirt.



The picture is of the fabric I picked out for my friend's skirt. I hope she likes it.

I pretty much just got back from shopping with my mom for various projects. I don't want to shop again for another two weeks if I can help it, because I haven't been home since 9:30 this morning.

...ugh. And I still have to pack for tomorrow. Kill me now plz, kthnxbai.

About my college visits

Since my loverly wyfe (Andrea (the "wyfe" thing is an inside joke, you ninnies)) asked, and since I have a couple of schedules of my visits, here's what I know:

For one thing, it's Friday today and we're leaving on Sunday. I just realized that and now I'm going, "OMGWTFBBQ TOO SOON!"

First we will be going to Hope College, which is in Grand Rapids in Michigan. I don't know exactly what I'm doing there, because up until yesterday, Hope had the attitude towards me of, "Oh, well, you're a Junior and we have a lot of Seniors coming to visit, so they take a higher priority when it comes to overnights, and staying with a student." What happened yesterday was, "Oh! We've had some cancellations, so we're calling to confirm your overnight with us! :DDD!"

Well, I know I'm sitting in on some classes, but I don't remember which ones, and if I'm doing anything beyond that.

After that, we will be heading for Valporaiso University in Indiana, spending the night on Monday, and then at 10:10 AM on Tuesday I have my first class that I get to sit in on. Then I have a "Theater Appointment." After that I get a tour, and then at last at 1:00 PM I have an "Information Session" with an admissions counselor.

Next we will be heading for Illinois Wesleyan, which, I have to admit, is the college that appears to be after me the most. On Tuesday night when we arrive, we get to see the show the drama program is putting on! After the show I meet my host and hit the sack.

Wednesday I have a voice class (!! excitement!) at 10:oo AM. 11:15 AM I get to tour the college's radio station (double excitement!!), and then I have lunch with some crazy Theatre Majors. After that, meeting with admissions counselor, and...done. Visits are over.

I've noticed that, thus far, my visits are very theater oriented. The only thing I know of that I can count as helping my writing is the class I'm sitting in on at Valpo--Human Experience. But, that's a "Freshmen Core class," not a writing one.

I don't know if I'm doing any writing stuff at Hope or not...I'd probably know if they, you know, actually gave me a schedule like the other two colleges and seemed to be interested in my presence.

So, impressions wise? Just based on the phone calls and organizing plans and schedules?

Wesleyan's on the top of my chart. The Theatre lady went nuts organizing my visit, and I love just looking at it!

Valpo's somewhere in the middle, I mean they seem organized and they planned a nice visit for me, got me a place to sleep with no fuss.

But Hope's hardly even on the chart. So far, they've just kinda showed that they really don't care about me because I'm not graduating this year and I'm not quite in their immediate future. So, NYAH TO YOU, HOPE! I can write seething criticisms!

To quote Jasper the Theatre Critic from Psychonauts: "I just can't take my eyes off it! It's like watching a car crash... A car crash where the victims can't act, and the medics forget their lines!"

(Even if that above quote really doesn't happen to have much to do with my situation with Hope, Jasper is just extraordinarily funny.)

Well, I have to get to school before I am seriously maimed.

My favorite flavor popsicle is orange

Lots of things going on...and will be going on.

So, the past few days. The class at Pamela's Place was boring. Very boring. It took three hours. After it, I was practically crying--I still wasn't feeling well--and I was so tired.

I also had a mini meltdown on Friday. I'm just getting so sick and tired of being little miss petite. I'm 5'4'' and 88 lbs. Hardly anything fits me just right that hangs on a clothes rack and places like Joann's don't sell patterns that sew for anything smaller than a size six! How does that work for a stupid zero or one like me? Plus with me liking more conservative clothes...stuff on the rack that does fit is generally far too low-cut. I don't like to openly display everything God gave me, kthxbai. Sigh...

I guess I've just been in a slump lately, I think my cold has a huge part in it. It's just...times like these, I feel useless. Like I can't accomplish anything, no matter how hard I try or how much I want it. All I feel capable of is looking through the window that separates me and my role models and dreaming wistfully.

I guess one thing I wish I could do would be to talk to one of these people I admire and hear from them that I actually have creativity and that I have what it takes to get in the business. I just feel like I need some more affirmation and a push in the right direction to get me out of this life-sucking ditch I'm stuck in.

I go on college visits next week, and John Cramer wants me to speak briefly at the Gala that the WCT is putting on for the big donors for the theater. It's for the auction bit, he wants me to explain the part where they aren't auctioning anything except a donation to the ACT program at the theater. John thinks I'm a perfect fit to do it, because he can remember a time where Doug could hardly get me to speak during the Improvisational class. I don't remember that, but I don't really mind the idea of telling people why the theater is worthwhile.

I asked Mom to ask John about the status of the MoHos idea--apparently when she asked he "smiled," meaning he hasn't gotten to it yet. I understand that John is very busy...I guess next time I see him I'll just flat out tell him that since it was my idea in the first place, if he wants me to help out in any way regarding it, I will! I mean, any chance at meeting Richard Horvitz or Fred Willard...who wouldn't jump at that?

I can't think of anything else to write. I just hope that maybe the college visits next week won't overwhelm me and instead may give me an overdue boost of confidence.

An update

Yes, Tim, I've talked to the guy. I told him I couldn't come, that I was too busy. I still have a mixed feeling of guilt and not really caring; how I can feel both at the same time I still can't figure out.

So, my disgusting cold from last week has mutated into another repulsive freak: instead of being tired and congested, my throat hurts and I can't talk. I also am semi-constantly coughing up various organs in attempt to clear my throat.

I should probably be heading for the sack now. I'm tired and dropped a popsicle on my carpet. And, I have a "Home Ec." class at 10 tomorrow morning (I'm going to Pamela's Place with my mom so we can learn how to use her new Bernina: the Bernina that I like gushing over because of all the potential nerdy things I can do with it (like making an embroidered Chowder T-Shirt (maybe Truffles on it with the words "I need my cutie-sleep"?)))

Well, good night world.

Tim: Soon I'll be ordering the birthday present that you have insisted that I don't need to get you. Pokemon Emerald is the one your interested in, right? By the way, I beat Pokemon XD's storyline, but I still need to catch all of the Shadow Pokee-mans and purify them. It might take a while, because I am now somewhat addicted to a game on my laptop called Cake Mania.

What to do, what to do

So, there's this guy...but not that kind of guy. He's invited me to his birthday party next week at Skateland, but the thing is...I really don't want to go. Skateland tends to be filled to the brim with obnoxious seven year olds.

Plus, in light of the last party I went to, I'd hate to get stuck in another situation where I feel awkward and alienated...

Arielle's recommended that I tell the guy that I just can't make it. If that's an okay thing to do...then why does the mere idea of it make me feel so incredibly rotten?

I don't want to go, but I feel like a jerk if I lie, telling him that his party "doesn't work with my plans."

I'm getting better from my sickness, so I can't even hope to use that as an excuse.

I'm sick

So, I've heard that there are about 10 different bugs going around right now, and I've probably caught one. Yesterday my fever was at a high of 101.7 F.

I'm really tired and I constantly have chills. I want to get better soon, 'cause I absolutely hate just sitting on my buttocks and doing nothing.

On a bright side, my mom's finally scheduled doing college trips with me--I'll be checking out Hope and Valpo in a couple of weeks (I don't know about Illinois Wesleyan, last I heard from Mom was that she couldn't get a hold of them).

I better go before I infect the internets with my flu.

The "Joys" of Cleaning Out the Vegetable Drawer With...

...My dad.

Simplified scenario for you:

Me: EWEWEW! The bag is freakin' leaking! Toss it, TOSS IT! *is going to puke*
Him: Well, the liquids just on the outside of the bag, the stuff inside isn't the thing leaking...It looks like cilantro or something.
Me: It's friggin' contaminated! Throw. It. OUT!

In addition to this, my dad really needs to learn that even if we bought the veggies a couple of weeks ago, most vegetables go bad within that time-frame.

Lord help me if I ever manage to exercise the stupidity to marry a guy who'll get in these same situations with me.

...That shouldn't become an issue, though. I am definitely not going to marry someone who can hardly cook for himself.

Happy things!

[Current music: The original soundtrack to the Most Excellent Game Psychonauts!]
[My mood: Content, for numerous reasons]

So there are some good things going on today, and recently. Today I got my Psychonauts OSTs that I ordered about a week ago.

And!!

My parents bought me a laptop that was one clearance, and my mom got Microsoft Office, too. There is plenty to be grateful for. Sarah even helped me clean my room so I could, uh, actually walk to my desk, and put things on it. (Though, with me and Sarah it actually was more of a sort of arrangement that worked well for the both of us; I helped her clean her house on Tuesday evening and she helped me clean my room last night.)

All I need now is a proper chair to sit in at my desk, and finish the gradual task of moving all of my important files to my new happy lappy. (lawl bad rhyme)

For Thursday: If I see the amazing man also known as John Cramer, I will mention him my two ideas for next season. Also I will bring my finished petition for the Angry Beavers.

Same old, some new

Lots of stuff--well, in my mind--is going on in my life currently. Restarting school after holiday break wasn't too rough, except for the fact that I started coming down with a sinus infection the day before my first day of school.

Because of this, I didn't sleep at all that Sunday night, and Monday was a train wreck. Tuesday was the day that we had realized that I had a sinus infection, so I went to my doctor's and got some antibiotics.

They helped, so I've been better for a while now and have been able to do school work.

So, leik omg. Last night made me so freakin' happy. I actually managed to do some rewrites. I only have one scene to rewrite, and then I can continue on with the story. Finally!

I did some sewing today, I was working on my costume for The Emperor's New Tuxedo. I got tired of working on it, so I'm going to try some writing and stuff for tonight.

I shall close this entry with a recent IM conversation:

Andrea (4:09:03 PM): cus I figured out how to properly make a colorbar <3
Me (4:08:50 PM): That's good
Me (4:08:53 PM): <33
Me (4:09:01 PM): Like those rainbow things?
Me (4:09:07 PM): blah blah blah is love things?
Andrea (4:09:26 PM): yes
Me (4:09:18 PM): OHOHOH
Me (4:09:27 PM): "Richard Horvitz is love."
Me (4:09:28 PM): <3
Me (4:09:41 PM): ...kudos to you if you guessed I was going to say that
Andrea (4:10:12 PM): I thought you were going to ask me to make you one XD
Andrea (4:10:34 PM): and then send me like 47q3857392 million oddly stalkerish pictures of Richard Horvitz.
Me (4:10:30 PM): *dies laughing*
Me (4:10:37 PM): This is going in my blog entry
Andrea (4:11:01 PM): ORLY?
Me (4:10:52 PM): YA RLY

I'm surprised I haven't even written a small, stupid post for 2008 yet

Now I will.

Uh, what's new...I don't have any resolutions for this year, yet, I started working on my costume yesterday and cut out more pieces for it today, I need to work on my lines for said play, and I need to come up with a question for the Awana contest on Thursday.

Something that's old but continues to persist is my writer's block. I haven't been able to write anything for my story for a number of weeks now. I'm going to try to change that...

Uh, other...things. I have college visits in a couple of weeks. I checked L.A. airfare, and it's all way to rich for my preference.

...This entry really, really sucks so far. My posts tend to be a lot more organized and interesting than this. It's probably because I feel a little crappy right now, actually, it's more likely because I have no idea what to say.

Well, let's just make this entry as to say that I am not dead yet.