...And down

Can't stay happy for too long, can I?

Don't really want to talk about it. It wouldn't really matter if I did, anyways. Nothing would change and I don't feel better by venting. I actually feel worse.

Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

Something pleasant, for ONCE!

{Current music: Jack's Lament by Danny Elfman}
{Current mood: Ecstatic}

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

That profile on Marina that I had been bitching about? I just got it back from my professor.

I got an 'A'.

My midterm grade is also an 'A'.

BITCHIN'!

Also, I'm recovering. Tomorrow is my last day on my drugz and I'm already feeling better. I can breaaaaathe.

Blah

Illness, I hate you. Because of you I didn't sleep last night. And I couldn't retain heat, the only way I could get warmer was when I started fantasizing romances*, which made my body flush, practically to the point of sweating. But that was better than freezing, at least I was somewhat cozier.

And guess what? I still can't retain heat. I feel so cold and I'm wearing a sweatshirt. My throat feels like a chasm of hurt, my head aches and I feel so totally out of it.

So, bye. I'm going to go make myself chicken noodle soup and cry while I'm eating it 'cause I feel so awful.

*No, not that kind, wyfe. Pervert (I know you were thinking it). >/

posted edited

i don't want to be depressing people. but i just can't handle mom treating like my problems are insignificant. i know she hates me, i've heard her say it. but i can't just go on living where i'm trying to please everybody else.

i wish that people would realize this is hard for me and say, "i'm here for you, let me help you" instead of, "do this, this, this, this--OH MY GOD, HOW CAN YOU NOT BE DOING THIS, YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH?" i can't handle this verbal and emotional disregard anymore. i've already heard today how mom's more concerned about losing money than she is for losing me. she really doesn't care at all or ever.

Fuck you.

Just fuck you, God. Fuck you for having me wake up this morning. I just want to fall asleep and stay like that.

I'm just an endless disappointment to everyone. They'd get over it if I was gone. Just watch. Eventually it'd be, "Amanda who? Oh, yeah. That was too bad. Oh, well, life goes on."

I just shouldn't be here anymore. I'm a waste, a waste of everyone's time and investment. I can't make them happy, I can't make me happy, I can't do anything, especially anything remotely right or good.

But I'm a fucking coward. If I know that everything would be better without me gone, then why am I so scared? ...it'll pass, I suppose. The last minute thoughts will go. I don't know when I'll act, but it'll happen. eventually.

i'm a fucking horrible person anyways.

Last night was a 4-H meeting

And it actually flowed very well. For once, none of the other Moms were correcting me at the end of the meeting for my behavior.

But, bah. DX I wore a hairband last night so I could show off the Kirby earrings I was wearing. I felt like wearing them so I could show them to Bryen and anybody else who'd recognize it, but then I realized that my hair would most likely hide my earrings, hence the hairband. BUT! My mom thought I was dolling myself up for Bryen. q.q

Anyway, I showed Bryen Pedar last night, 'cause I wanted to. His most helpful comment was for during the fight scene between Isaak and Rhett, that I should've managed to squeeze something in about how Kaia and Acacia would've felt "something leaving them."

AND AND AND ROFL HIS FACE! When I asked him, "Did you figure out who the woman was? :D :D" He was all like, "Uhh, I dunno...Rhett's mom, the...evil guy whose name starts with an 'A's wife?" (Lmao at Akakios having a wife)

So, I was like, "But wouldn't Rhett recognize her then?" So he was stumped. When I pointed out the hint to him, HIS FACE WAS PRICELESS. It was all like, "O.O" plus ":O" and "XD;" Or in words not involving emocons, his eyes were wide, his mouth agape, and his laugh was a mix of amusement and awkwardness. BEST. REACTION. EVUR.

The other cool thing about last night is that it was "show off your 4-H projects night," so of course I showed off my pillow! At the end of the meeting, everyone was coming up to me and looking at my pillow. "What is that cartoon? What's with the years? (it says 2001-2002 on it) What's it about?" It was funny. Nobody but Bryen really knew what it was, but everyone seemed in awe of the detail. Heehee!

Current statuses:

Overwhelmed with work.

Feeling more secure in a certain relationship.

Om nom nom noming a nummy peanut butter cookie.

Desperately in need of finding a new happy place.

Almost done with a stupid dkjfhakdjfhahsdk paper which is dearly loathed (y hallo thar, Melki. i be steelin' ur terms of "endearment").

Hoping that there will be no shameful dreams tonight.

Wondering why Maxwell Atoms ignored my question on his blog (cry moar I know).

Going to bed.