Belle from Beauty and the Beast
The Narrator from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Viola from Twelfth Night
Christine Daae from the Phantom of the Opera
Oh.
And I want to meet Dan Green, but that's mostly unrelated.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
God, I'm a TV Trope
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBGrade
HI ME AND MY C+/B- ON MY ENGLISH COMP PAPER.
HI ME AND MY C+/B- ON MY ENGLISH COMP PAPER.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Continuation
My situation hasn't changed. I'm still tired, still depressed, and still frustrated.
Dale's analysis today? I'm severely depressed. Apparently even Sheryl thought that. I didn't even know that, clinically, I qualify as being depressed. From Mom, I was under the impression that I'm just having biochemistry issues and that I'm an ungrateful bitch.
Also from Dale: I have no control over my life. I really don't need to be controlled to the extent that my mom tries to control me because I am not a bad kid. I've never gone out drinking, I'm still a virgin. I go over on texting charges and I plan to pay them off. Last I checked, the kids who need to be controlled are the kids who will go online and buy things with their parents credit cards without asking and go partying in college instead of studying.
Me? I'm killing myself trying to do school work and I haven't just hung out for fun, for the hell of it, in person, with people, no strings attached in over a month. I don't think that's an unreasonable guess, either. I know that for the past three weeks I have been either sick, busy, or working on school far too much to hang out with anybody, and that when I was sick three weeks ago, when Sarah had Joe, I hadn't seen or hung out with her for a couple of weeks. So I don't think this month is an over exaggeration. I'm not seeing people and I'm dying from loneliness. I love my e-friends, but it's not the same as physical, eye-to-eye contact.
Dale's analysis today? I'm severely depressed. Apparently even Sheryl thought that. I didn't even know that, clinically, I qualify as being depressed. From Mom, I was under the impression that I'm just having biochemistry issues and that I'm an ungrateful bitch.
Also from Dale: I have no control over my life. I really don't need to be controlled to the extent that my mom tries to control me because I am not a bad kid. I've never gone out drinking, I'm still a virgin. I go over on texting charges and I plan to pay them off. Last I checked, the kids who need to be controlled are the kids who will go online and buy things with their parents credit cards without asking and go partying in college instead of studying.
Me? I'm killing myself trying to do school work and I haven't just hung out for fun, for the hell of it, in person, with people, no strings attached in over a month. I don't think that's an unreasonable guess, either. I know that for the past three weeks I have been either sick, busy, or working on school far too much to hang out with anybody, and that when I was sick three weeks ago, when Sarah had Joe, I hadn't seen or hung out with her for a couple of weeks. So I don't think this month is an over exaggeration. I'm not seeing people and I'm dying from loneliness. I love my e-friends, but it's not the same as physical, eye-to-eye contact.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
sorry for the emo posts
I'm feeling better. I'm still frustrated, though.
Those emo posts basically describe what I'm feeling a lot of the time--except taken to the highest extreme.
bah.
Those emo posts basically describe what I'm feeling a lot of the time--except taken to the highest extreme.
bah.
Dear Mom
"What are you doing?" =/= "Why are you under your blankets?" or "what's wrong?"
God, so this is why everyone thinks you're reasonable. You repeatedly bark at me "what are you doing?" and to everyone else, you tell them that I refused to tell you what was wrong. Nice.
EDIT'd to add:
Why I'm not accepting your apology? Because I see no hope or improvement in this relationship. It's never gotten any better. I'm the only one who's ever made any attempt to change behavior. As long as you keep thinking, "Well, I'm the Mom," and "I'm fifty-five years old, I think I know more than you," this will never, ever go anywhere.
And your apology was still an "I'm sorry but" apology. It was, "I'm sorry, but do you understand what I'm going through with two depressed people in my house?" Obviously, you must not be depressed. You're just an angry bitch. Obviously you don't know what it's like to wake up every morning feeling worthless and then getting bitched at how you shouldn't be venting because there's work to be done. Right, right, thanks for confirming that no one really cares what I have to say. Ever. And confirming that my emotions are meaningless and are just some biochemistry gone awry, there's nothing substantial to the way I feel or am acting, it's just because I need to take some pills to fix it.
I've given up. I want this relationship to end, whether that comes from me getting the hell out of this house by becoming an adult or by taking the easy way out. I just can't stand you anymore. As much as you like to claim the contrary, you don't give a shit about what I'm doing or what I like. You never ask me about it. And the times I've tried to share? You never get around to it. Or something *more important* is happening. It tells me where I really am at with you.
God, so this is why everyone thinks you're reasonable. You repeatedly bark at me "what are you doing?" and to everyone else, you tell them that I refused to tell you what was wrong. Nice.
EDIT'd to add:
Why I'm not accepting your apology? Because I see no hope or improvement in this relationship. It's never gotten any better. I'm the only one who's ever made any attempt to change behavior. As long as you keep thinking, "Well, I'm the Mom," and "I'm fifty-five years old, I think I know more than you," this will never, ever go anywhere.
And your apology was still an "I'm sorry but" apology. It was, "I'm sorry, but do you understand what I'm going through with two depressed people in my house?" Obviously, you must not be depressed. You're just an angry bitch. Obviously you don't know what it's like to wake up every morning feeling worthless and then getting bitched at how you shouldn't be venting because there's work to be done. Right, right, thanks for confirming that no one really cares what I have to say. Ever. And confirming that my emotions are meaningless and are just some biochemistry gone awry, there's nothing substantial to the way I feel or am acting, it's just because I need to take some pills to fix it.
I've given up. I want this relationship to end, whether that comes from me getting the hell out of this house by becoming an adult or by taking the easy way out. I just can't stand you anymore. As much as you like to claim the contrary, you don't give a shit about what I'm doing or what I like. You never ask me about it. And the times I've tried to share? You never get around to it. Or something *more important* is happening. It tells me where I really am at with you.
FUCK THIS.
YOU DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE.
I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TALK TO YOU. THANKS FOR NOT CARING AND SAYING, "OH, VENTING IS BAD. SHUT UP, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME." FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. YOU DON'T CARE, YOU NEVER HAVE CARED, YOU NEVER WILL CARE.
YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE A PRETTY HAPPY FUCKING PRINCESS. I'LL NEVER BE THAT. GET FUCKING USED TO IT, BITCH! THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF WHEN YOU ACTUALLY ASK, "WHAT'S WRONG" YOU FOLLOWED IT WITH SYMPATHY INSTEAD OF A LECTURE. NOW YOU WON'T EVEN BE ASKING "WHAT'S WRONG" ANYMORE. OR MAYBE YOU WILL, BUT I WON'T TELL YOU, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYWAYS. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SHOW FRUSTRATION. ONLY "RANT TO THE AIR" IN THE ISOLATION THAT'S BECOME MY LOATHSOME SOULMATE FOR THIS FUCKING YEAR.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M LYING TO YOU AND WON'T SHARE THINGS WITH YOU? IT'S BECAUSE OF BULLSHIT LIKE THIS WHERE YOU SHOW SO PLAINLY THAT YOU'LL NEVER TREAT ME AS A HUMAN BEING OR BE CIVIL WITH ME UNLESS IT'S ON YOUR TERMS.
i wish i didn't cry over this anymore. i'm sick of crying over how much you suck as a parent, mom.
I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TALK TO YOU. THANKS FOR NOT CARING AND SAYING, "OH, VENTING IS BAD. SHUT UP, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME." FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. YOU DON'T CARE, YOU NEVER HAVE CARED, YOU NEVER WILL CARE.
YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE A PRETTY HAPPY FUCKING PRINCESS. I'LL NEVER BE THAT. GET FUCKING USED TO IT, BITCH! THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF WHEN YOU ACTUALLY ASK, "WHAT'S WRONG" YOU FOLLOWED IT WITH SYMPATHY INSTEAD OF A LECTURE. NOW YOU WON'T EVEN BE ASKING "WHAT'S WRONG" ANYMORE. OR MAYBE YOU WILL, BUT I WON'T TELL YOU, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYWAYS. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SHOW FRUSTRATION. ONLY "RANT TO THE AIR" IN THE ISOLATION THAT'S BECOME MY LOATHSOME SOULMATE FOR THIS FUCKING YEAR.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M LYING TO YOU AND WON'T SHARE THINGS WITH YOU? IT'S BECAUSE OF BULLSHIT LIKE THIS WHERE YOU SHOW SO PLAINLY THAT YOU'LL NEVER TREAT ME AS A HUMAN BEING OR BE CIVIL WITH ME UNLESS IT'S ON YOUR TERMS.
i wish i didn't cry over this anymore. i'm sick of crying over how much you suck as a parent, mom.
Monday, November 10, 2008
rawgr.
so. a week behind in human geography. depressed. hate myself. want to die. purposefully ignored a phone call from hamza yesterday. was imagining writing a suicide note. basically feel like if I can't manage school, then I can't manage life. everyone would be better off without me anyways. just am a waste of time, money, and energy for everybody else. everyone has other, better people in their lives, so they'd be fine without me.
mom's disappointed in me yay.
the only non-depressing thing: had an idea for a male visok. but I guess even that could be considered depressing 'cause I'm still incapable of working undistracted.
edit: p.s. please don't make any, "omg amanda's gonna hurt herself" phone calls. I'm not going to be doing anything, couldn't if I really wanted to. I don't want mom getting more pissed off than she already is.
mom's disappointed in me yay.
the only non-depressing thing: had an idea for a male visok. but I guess even that could be considered depressing 'cause I'm still incapable of working undistracted.
edit: p.s. please don't make any, "omg amanda's gonna hurt herself" phone calls. I'm not going to be doing anything, couldn't if I really wanted to. I don't want mom getting more pissed off than she already is.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Discovered a piece of heaven last night (and going into depressive ranty mode, yay)
It's called Nutella, and I love it. And it's mine.
I had a weird dream this morning...it was about me being in an ACAP show, but I quit/wanted to quit because I was sick and tired of the stress and felt like nobody really cared or appreciated me anyways. I was basically walking around the theater, 'cause I think I quit right before a show. I just think the sad thing is that the dream pretty much reflects how I feel about a lot of things right now.
Like, I guess I find an irony in Mom telling Sarah yesterday how she needs to try to balance correcting Ethan's bad behavior and praising good behavior, 'cause apparently otherwise he'll act out for attention...since he wouldn't be getting it otherwise. I just kind of find that ironic because I feel completely ignored all the time right now. And when I'm not performing well at school, it's not because I'm acting out for attention, it's because I feel so depressed and worthless and hate how all Mom seems to care about is my education and that she seems to be under the impression that seeing Dale is some sort of magical cure where, unless I come out of those sessions fucking happy, it's a waste of money. And I hate how Mom's version of "relaxation" is going to see a movie or a play...that's not relaxing! That's enjoyment! You know what's relaxing and therapeutic? Talking to friends who tell me that they think I'm worth something, that they enjoy talking to me, and will understand if I just need to crouch down and bawl my heart out.
She just...never has time for me. She only does if it's school related, the only necessity that exists. Well that and my health. But my emotional health? She'll never understand it. She thinks I freak out too much, she never lets me rant about something that's bothering me, she never has time for intellectual discussions, only superficial shit like, "Oh, did you know [some dumbass actor] in this movie was on Charmed once? :D :D :D :D"
I'm tired of her always coming to me and saying, "I found this class," or "Here's a play that's showing this weekend," or "You need to do this." I'm nothing more than a fucking academic mind to her! I have no feelings, no creativity, she doesn't care! Or maybe she does, and that's the problem. She sees ground she needs to help cultivate. She doesn't see a girl who's sick of being brilliant or talented or whatever because she's sick of dancing for everybody else. I don't get how Mom can't see that all this fucking training that's supposed to help me in the future will never help me if I think I'm worthless and incapable of doing anything right, 'cause the only time she ever seems to notice me is if I'm doing poorly at school...if I'm not doing school...or if I'm doing good at school. Or if she wants to tell me about something that will help me at school. It's all school, school, school, school, education, education, education, education to her. Or my future career. It's just all work.
And she wonders why I'm under the impression that her love for me is based on my performance???
just. whatever. I'm going to go eat my pizza now.
I had a weird dream this morning...it was about me being in an ACAP show, but I quit/wanted to quit because I was sick and tired of the stress and felt like nobody really cared or appreciated me anyways. I was basically walking around the theater, 'cause I think I quit right before a show. I just think the sad thing is that the dream pretty much reflects how I feel about a lot of things right now.
Like, I guess I find an irony in Mom telling Sarah yesterday how she needs to try to balance correcting Ethan's bad behavior and praising good behavior, 'cause apparently otherwise he'll act out for attention...since he wouldn't be getting it otherwise. I just kind of find that ironic because I feel completely ignored all the time right now. And when I'm not performing well at school, it's not because I'm acting out for attention, it's because I feel so depressed and worthless and hate how all Mom seems to care about is my education and that she seems to be under the impression that seeing Dale is some sort of magical cure where, unless I come out of those sessions fucking happy, it's a waste of money. And I hate how Mom's version of "relaxation" is going to see a movie or a play...that's not relaxing! That's enjoyment! You know what's relaxing and therapeutic? Talking to friends who tell me that they think I'm worth something, that they enjoy talking to me, and will understand if I just need to crouch down and bawl my heart out.
She just...never has time for me. She only does if it's school related, the only necessity that exists. Well that and my health. But my emotional health? She'll never understand it. She thinks I freak out too much, she never lets me rant about something that's bothering me, she never has time for intellectual discussions, only superficial shit like, "Oh, did you know [some dumbass actor] in this movie was on Charmed once? :D :D :D :D"
I'm tired of her always coming to me and saying, "I found this class," or "Here's a play that's showing this weekend," or "You need to do this." I'm nothing more than a fucking academic mind to her! I have no feelings, no creativity, she doesn't care! Or maybe she does, and that's the problem. She sees ground she needs to help cultivate. She doesn't see a girl who's sick of being brilliant or talented or whatever because she's sick of dancing for everybody else. I don't get how Mom can't see that all this fucking training that's supposed to help me in the future will never help me if I think I'm worthless and incapable of doing anything right, 'cause the only time she ever seems to notice me is if I'm doing poorly at school...if I'm not doing school...or if I'm doing good at school. Or if she wants to tell me about something that will help me at school. It's all school, school, school, school, education, education, education, education to her. Or my future career. It's just all work.
And she wonders why I'm under the impression that her love for me is based on my performance???
just. whatever. I'm going to go eat my pizza now.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
SKJDFASGJGFVKJUUUGFIK
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.
I CANNOT AFFORD TO BE PAYING $140 IN TEXTING CHARGES.
OOPS THERE GOES EVERYBODY'S CHRISTMAS!
God damnit!
'cause we have to get the bill from late September to early October NOW. Before I stopped texting.
20 cents to receive, 20 cents to send. God damnit.
EDIT: Mom's discussed with me to work out a payment plan to pay back the $140, so that I can still afford Christmas presents for people this year. It'll probably work out to be around $6 a month.
Christmas is saved.
So I guess I'll just end this on a note to Tim: If you text me, we're fucked over twice. You have to pay 20 cents because you sent me something, and I have to pay 20 cents because I received it. If you want to tell me something, please call me, since that's free.
I CANNOT AFFORD TO BE PAYING $140 IN TEXTING CHARGES.
OOPS THERE GOES EVERYBODY'S CHRISTMAS!
God damnit!
'cause we have to get the bill from late September to early October NOW. Before I stopped texting.
20 cents to receive, 20 cents to send. God damnit.
EDIT: Mom's discussed with me to work out a payment plan to pay back the $140, so that I can still afford Christmas presents for people this year. It'll probably work out to be around $6 a month.
Christmas is saved.
So I guess I'll just end this on a note to Tim: If you text me, we're fucked over twice. You have to pay 20 cents because you sent me something, and I have to pay 20 cents because I received it. If you want to tell me something, please call me, since that's free.
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