This morning's short post continued

I screamed at her some more. Can't remember what I said.

We "made-up", but I'm frankly not sure how long it'll last. I can't trust her. I can't be fully honest with her because she doesn't understand. And I hate how saying that as the honest truth makes me sound like a whiny teenager.

Whenever I point out she's done something wrong, or something that bothers me, Mom just rationalizes and rationalizes and rationalizes. A single comment from me can turn into a twenty minute pity-party for Mom.

I'm just torn in so many ways. I'm worried about her and her health, yet at the same time, sometimes I wish she would just drop dead. She says I can be honest with her, that I can tell her everything. I can't. I've tried to do that in the past and it never works out because she always freaks out. She tries to solve things immediately. It's just...I can't. It doesn't work.

My gut tells me to be cautious about what I do and say around Mom. But at the same time, something in me wants to be perfectly honest with her because I want to hold to the sweet belief that things will be different. But they never are.

I feel like I'm going crazy, because I don't know who to believe. Believe what my gut is saying or what my naive nature and my mom is telling me?

She said something a little bit ago that kinda scares me. I feel so trapped. I'm actually tearing up as I'm writing this. She feels we don't spend enough time together. She was saying she wanted unconditional love, just for me to go up to her sometimes after school and say, "Hey, wanna go to a movie?" Instead of sitting on the computer.

This is where I tell you, the reader, that I am homeschooled, so a suggestion that I don't spend enough time with my mother makes about as much sense as saying that Invader Zim will get uncanceled and a new season is premiering on TV this coming fall, with all the cast and crew returning to the project.

I guess one thing is that I feel scared and, well, invaded. I feel like I have very little privacy, because as my mom has stated, she wants to know everything that's going on with me, and everything I'm feeling. Is this wrong to not feel the same way? That I feel like I want to be left alone?

I mean, Mom came into the room as I was typing this up, so I minimized it. She asked me if I was crying, but I really didn't want to tell her. She then came over and started tickling me to try to make me smile, after I admitted that I was feeling not so great about how things went this morning.

I faked it. I totally faked smiling and laughing, because I don't feel like smiling and laughing. No amount of tickling from her right now could truly ever make me feel better. So I faked it so she'd leave me alone.

Right now I really am not sure if there's something wrong with this picture I'm in or if I'm just insane.